i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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