when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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