Your dad touched me again.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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