I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
