I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize