i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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