i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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