i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
