I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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