did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
two words...techno handjob
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
