thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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