fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
