i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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