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booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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