I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
A bitchslap is in order.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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