I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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