Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
