I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
