he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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