I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
