just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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