If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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