Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
