I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
