I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
