Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
