why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
