yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
