I didn't shave. On purpose
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
