my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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