I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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