What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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