My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
