I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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