Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I want her autograph on my taint
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
