Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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