Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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