FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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