I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
