the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
