Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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