You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
