peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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