Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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