just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
