the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
that's an acceptable place to lick
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
