Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
