I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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