just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
