Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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