Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
So many bounce houses so little time
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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