watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
