Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
