I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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