I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
