Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
