Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
