on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
