My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
